I know a lot of people get depressed. I am unfortunately one of those people prone to depression. Life turns into a dark vortex of doom and misery and sometimes it feels like there is no way out. In those moments, some of us think about ending it all. We wonder why life isn’t better and we wish we could just scrub the mission and start fresh.
But death is not a reset button. It’s game over. We have heard the saying “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I know some of those problems don’t seem so temporary, but death doesn’t bring you to a blank page, it rips the book away from you. You don’t go back to level one; you turn off the gaming system. I think if we think about those despairing feelings we get during those down cycles and examine them, we will realize that we don’t want to die. We don’t want to stop. We don’t want it all to end. We just want it to get better, and it angers us that we can’t see a point when it will. But the truth of the matter is we don’t know what the future holds. We don’t know when the light will appear at the end of the tunnel, and we don’t know when the trial will be over.
It’s worth waiting out. Even in the midst of the worst trials where you feel like you are being flayed alive inside, it is better to endure than to quit. What doesn’t kill us really does make us stronger, and in the moments when we are tormented in our own minds, we are coming face to face with exactly how weak and strong we are. We are at cross-roads between the failure we fear to be and the success we so deeply desire. And agonized as we may be, we must see that the only way to the beauty in life we want is to stay alive. Death defies life and life defies death. Death defies our better selves. The choice to live strips death of its power to end our journey.
I wake up in the morning sometimes and pray “please God, don’t let me hate today.” I hate the struggle and the emotional agony that some days bring. But if I’m still alive, if I woke up this morning, then there is still hope for me, and there is still a chance for God’s plan for me to happen.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11