A new, fantastic point of view.
Or, at least, that’s the way I’m going to spin it. It has taken me seven months to come to this perspective for myself, but I have been able to see a silver lining to my life’s disadvantages. Let’s not say “unemployed.” Let’s say free-agent. Let’s not say “single.” Let’s say unfettered. Let’s not say “problem.” Let’s say opportunity. I am currently 27 years old with a college degree and a good head on my shoulders given to me by God to do something with. It’s time to think outside the box.
It’s also time to pray outside the box. I have been so afraid to look at anything other than the pattern I know. I tied myself down to one goal and one idea of happiness. If that goal were not reached, life was not worth living. This was a mistake, but one that I don’t think I could have avoided. All illusions must be broken to make room for reality. In reality, I am not the God of my life. I can’t control everything. I’m not the one with the plan for my hope and future. At least, I’m not the one with the fail-proof plan. I’m excited now because along with being unfettered from the typical trappings, I am now also unbound by my own expectations. My dreams are not a straitjacket anymore. The box is broken, and I can now imagine a world in which I am perfectly happy doing something other than being a professor. It may not happen. But I will live. And I will be happy.
A whole new world. A dazzling place I never knew.
And I can’t take credit for this new world. I wish I could have come to this place earlier…like half a year ago. I wish I could have avoided the hours, days and weeks of depression and anxiety. But I didn’t. God is the one who knew how I was going to get here. I take no credit. His grace is sufficient for me because his power is perfect in my weakness. I have been so weak in the past 7 months that I have had no option but to rely on his power. That wasn’t even a conscious effort. It was just the only ground left for me to walk on.
I didn’t know how I was going to get here, but I’m here. I actually want to look to Jesus to be the author and finisher of my faith again. I’m free to ask him for a dream that is free of my preconceptions. I remember talking to a friend once about prayer. We both agreed that prayer isn’t just the making of requests. Its allowing your will to be like God’s will. So much easier said than done, but it’s true. So in a way, this whole mess of my life is the product of the many prayers to make me someone who wants what God wants for me. Now, after the dust has settled, He’s free to lead me to what is next because I’m not going to be asking “but how does this fit into my plan” every step of the way. I actually have no idea what is next, but I’m willing to step forward and find out because I’m not afraid that the next step is going to take me away from what I want…I don’t know precisely what I want. All I know is that I want good. I want life. I want joy. I want activity. I want blessing. I want improvement. Notice these are all abstract nouns. I can’t pin God down. I can only move towards him because he embodies all of these abstract wants. I am now free to enjoy life again. I may go through some mental and emotional “weather,” but I have moved to a better climate over all. I want to trust God again.