Update on my actual life: I am making it out into the world more and more. I went to a local open mic night this evening with some friends. I sang back-up for one friend and read two of my poems. This is the second time I am performing, and I honestly think I am going to make a hobby of this. I love being around people. Artistic, thoughtful, engaging people. I spent so many months isolating myself from the world that every social encounter is like a deep breath of clean air after living underground. Being able to share my poetry makes me feel alive in a way I haven’t felt in a while. I have only felt more alive when singing on stage.
At the same time, though I am encountering social and personal triumph, I know that I have been less than proactive with my pursuit of God. My personal relationship with him is still tentative at best. I still don’t know how to maintain a daily walk. Well, that’s not entirely true. I do know how to maintain a daily walk. I know in my head that what I need is daily time in the word and in prayer. What I’m waiting for is the “want to” feeling to come back. I don’t want to do it. I want my will to be in line with God’s but…I’m lazy. The same thing that is keeping me for a steady walk with God is what keeps me from losing weight. When I think about disciplining myself to pursue God, or to work out, or to diet, I become ambivalent, and the cocktail of emotions includes dread, loathing, impatience, and despair.
Patterns scare me. Discipline scares me. At the same time, I long to have a normal routine. I want the structure, but I don’t know how to make it happen. As soon as I tell myself that I’m going to start fresh, I get anxious. Every plan I make in my mind or in my heart about my own life, from the smallest plan to start working out, to the big plans about whether or not to continue my degree, turns into an opportunity to fail miserably. I feel like I will never make it to my goals, so why try in the first place. These feelings and thoughts only occur when I start planning.
I can’t live like this. I can’t live without God and I can’t live without order in my life. I want my will to be strong enough to face my anxiety. I want strength for a normal existence. For normal life. I want to stop being a lazy coward. The things I have been learning lately have been the point of grace. Grace is a gift from God. I want to walk in the grace of God, but I am also afraid that my lack of motivation is my fault and that it is something I have to fix. I remember Joyce Meyer saying “If you’re afraid to do something, do it scared.” I want to do these things scared. I want to face down my anxiety and my apathy and just get up and do what I’m not doing. I know, though, that I don’t have the strength. I need the strength of God to do the simplest daily tasks. I need his grace to get up in the morning. I need his grace to leave my house. I need his grace to keep my apartment clean and to do laundry and to cook for myself.
I feel like I’m waiting for his strength to push me into the motivation to work out and to read his word and to get up to pray. All of those things push a very touchy button in me called “works mentality” and that button is connected to the “failure” alert. I am praying, half coasting and half trusting that God will bring me around. I am trying to let God show me what to do next, but it’s still a big gray area between Grace and Works. As I acknowledged I a previous blog, I’m getting better, but I’m not well yet. I’m not strong yet. I need his grace.
This is my grace key. It’s here to remind me that the Grace of God is the key to my life.