I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know where the misstep happened, but somehow, I feel like I stepped off of the path that I had found, the path that was sure to lead me strait to God and life and goodness, and now I’m in a thicket. I don’t know how to get back to that good place, that place of progress, that I was in just days ago. I’m not depressed. I’m not lonely, I’m just…off. I’m not sure what to do to get back to my forward motion.
My grandmother is still in the hospital. They found more cancer. And all things dealing with cancer and terminal illness terrify me. I’m being real. I’ve told God as much. I’m scared of cancer. I’m scared of diabetes. I’m scared of medical problems. I don’t know how to reach for the reality in which cancer doesn’t defeat us, God defeats cancer. I want to believe God’s power is supreme I this event…but I don’t know how to do so. I’m reading the word, but I’m also aware of my horrible weakness in faith here. I don’t know how to pray and I don’t know how to have faith in what prayers I do pray. I just shrink back like a shivering Chihuahua. I don’t want to be fearful, but I don’t know how to stand. I know how to ask for help, though, so everyone who reads this, please pray for my grandmother, for our family, and for me. And if anyone wants to share scriptures with me, I welcome them.