Pensive Ponderings

Reflections on things that matter.

The Second Life

The last month has been a good one, and today, I suddenly realized that I can see how God is setting things in place for me. For several months I have been sort of floundering when it comes to setting goals and making progress, specifically with my weight and my academic ambitions. I felt like I was trying to juggle multiple balls while riding on a unicycle: all I was succeeding at was making myself dizzy and making a mess everywhere. All I could do was pray for God to make me able to handle it all someday.

Prayer answered.

Have you ever woken up and suddenly something you have been fighting with for weeks has just fallen into place? Well that seems to be happening for me right now. Thanks be to God, who ALWAYS causes us to triumph! My greatest struggles are ordering themselves together. The balls I have been juggling are now ordering themselves, and I randomly know how to juggle it all now. It has to be God.

I decided a few weeks ago, that I will be applying for an M.Phil. /Ph.D. at the University of London at Birkbeck. I’m trying again. I found a school I’m excited about, a program I’m interested, and I found out that I could be attending as early as January if I get in (I won’t be finished with my MA until December, so going this fall is out of the question, but at least I don’t have to wait a whole year!). All of my goals now are focused around a January departure date to the UK.

How does this affect everything? Well, it focusses my current course of study because every course I take from now until December affects my research proposal for the Ph.D. I’m working towards the greater goal, because what I’m studying now (Theological Studies/Church History) directly relates to what I want to study in the Literature field. It isn’t busy work anymore. It’s all productive.

I am also able to put a concrete date to my weight loss goals. Before, I’d say “I want to be fit someday.” Or “It would be nice to be fit before I turn 30.” Now, I have a goal: to be a size 12 (two thirds to my weight loss goal, and a decent size for my height) by the time I step on the airplane to leave the country. I will be chronicling my progress on this blog, so stay tuned.

I’m LEAVING THE COUNTRY! It’s like beginning a whole new life. Tom Hiddleston quoted a French proverb at Nerd HQ last: “We all get two lives. The second begins when we realize we only have one.” I feel like I’ve discovered my second life. I can be a different person from here on out. I can be better than I have been thus far. I can be fearless and strong and optimistic. I can be diligent and graceful and disciplined. I don’t have to be a slave to the person I have been all of these years. The difference is Christ, but not just the fact or the person of Jesus Christ, but the living power of Christ through the Holy Spirit.

It makes NO SENSE for me to switch so quickly from being a pessimist to being an optimist, to go from being bipolar to being mentally stable, or from being lethargic to being energetic out of nowhere. I literally woke up one day after days, weeks, and months of praying for God to help me life, and found that he had. I didn’t do it. I know. Every time I tried to make my life better, I failed. I caused myself panic attacks. I was anxious and worried and I despaired of ever making any headway in my life. I SHOULD NOT BE HERE! I should not be whole. I should not be well, but I AM!

God is good!

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