Today is one of those days where I don’t necessarily know what I feel. I’m not in a bad mood, so that’s good. I’m not feeling productive, either, though, so that’s bad. In my experience, I normally feel either inclined to get things done or depressed about life and in need of self-care. Today is one of those rare days when I feel neutral. I don’t “want” to do anything, but I also want to not do nothing, if that makes sense.
I decided follow my to-do list anyway, even though I don’t feel like getting anything done. I’ve already gotten several things done, and the more I check off little things from my to-do list, the more motivated I become. I’m proud that I’ve gotten something done. My day was not fueled by a manic need for productivity, yet I was still productive. This is a first for me. I usually feel like everything I do has to be existentially important, and in a way I still feel that way, but at the same time, I don’t “feel” it.
I think there’s a lesson in faith in here somewhere. About how you keep moving forward when you know you should even though you don’t see or feel the momentum. In all my years as a Christian, I have never been so aware of the reality of faith as I am aware of it now. Faith has nothing to do with how enthusiastic I am about something. It has nothing to do with how I feel about what God has said. It’s simply moving forward because I can, because my knowledge of Him and my trust in him make it possible. I feel like people have tried to teach this principle, but have missed the point by teaching faith in terms of determination and will power. Those things are nice, but they, again, have nothing to do with true faith, which is a gift from God. “Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God.” “God is the author and the finisher of our faith.” “It is given to every man the measure of faith.” These facts about faith imply that we rely on God even for the faith we put in him.
I think that’s why I’m so surprised at how I am able to go through my day doing what I need to do without necessarily desiring or feeling compelled to. It’s because I’m not self-motivated, but I’m still moving forward. It’s an act of God. It is God working in me both to will and to do his good pleasure, and for that I can take no credit.