There are moments when I notice I’m not being myself. I can hear the worlds coming out of my mouth, or not coming out of my mouth, and I think “what’s making me say that.” I notice myself be more timid or more verbose than is my normal pattern of behavior and I wonder “who are you, and what have you done with ME?”
I tell people I’ll read things I don’t want to read, watch things I don’t want to watch. I go places I don’t care to go. These things in and of themselves aren’t bad. In fact, sometimes they are the starting places for new hobbies things I genuinely enjoy. What really makes me wonder at myself is when I begin saying things I don’t want to say. I start talking too much, trying to impress people with how much I know. Or I start talking too little, clamming up because I’m afraid of the judgment from the people around. In the end, I walk away disappointed in myself because I feel like I have lost a little piece of myself I can never get back. For a moment in time, for a piece of my history, I was not me.
But then, am I ever? I’m always growing and changing. I’m always becoming me. Me is a process, and the moments I feel like I’m not being myself are proof that I am a self.
And those moments make my “self” stronger. God uses the discomfort to reinforce the person he made me to be. He doesn’t stop me from saying the wrong thing or coach me in saying the right thing, because discovering the wrong and right things is a part of becoming a self. It’s what makes the good in me real. So grace even has a hand in making me the self I am meant to be. Without the mistakes I make, I’m not real.
But without the Grace to overcome them, I’m not strong.
“My Grace is sufficient for you, for my Power is made perfect in weakness.”