NaPoWriMo Day 29: The Inside of My Mind on a Low Day

Have you ever wanted something forbidden? Dreamed of something you can’t have? Not necessarily something wicked. Not the fruit on the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Just something perpetually out of your reach, so by virtue of its non-existent accessibility, it is forbidden. Forbidden by natural laws. Nature ignoring your desire because it doesn’t have eyes to see it.

I have wanted something forbidden. In fact, it seems like everything I truly want falls under the category “impracticable.” No, you can’t have a nice job; you didn’t go to college for the right thing. No, things can’t work out just this once. No, you can’t be pretty and slender and clever. Well…you can be clever, but good luck making it through life on that, sweetheart. No, you can’t have a fulfilling life, and stop asking! Take what you’re given and like it!

These things are forbidden to me. I don’t know why. I’ve asked God why. He’s normally silent on the subject. At other times, he tells me to wait, but I’ve been waiting for years. I’ve been doing all the right things, saying all the right things. Still, I’m here, longing for the forbidden. The Practically forbidden. And God says wait. And I try to. And I get anxious and restless and I cry and I hope, and the cycle begins again.

It FEELS like everything I want is forbidden. It SEEMS like all I ask for is denied me. At least, that’s what is on the inside of my mind on a low day. On a weak day.

But He said unto me “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:9


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