Discouraged (NaPoWriMo #2)

I’ve only just begun to tread water. To hope, and hope for the best.
Now, I feel like there is an anchor tied to the center of my chest
and it’s dragging me down.Yes, it’s weighing me down.

I’m nose-deep in water. It’s long past my chin
I strive to stay above, but when the tide comes in
I’ll be covered. I’ll drown. Yes, I’m going to drown.

I’m a naive fool to think things would be fine.
To act as if this life is anything other than mine,
Designed to sink just as soon as I rise.
I’ve been here before. I shouldn’t be surprised.

This feels like England all over again, only worse.
You can only take a leap of faith so many times before landing in a hearse.
I have far more to lose this time.
I fear I’ve already lost.

God, where are you? I’m legitimately terrified.
I’m distressed. I’m hopeless. I’m mortified.
I’m beginning to think I’m not made for a good life.
That you never meant me for beauty, just strife.

No safety net. I’m free-falling now
I’m just waiting for the splat at the bottom. How
do I focus on your goodness? It’s so hard.
As ridiculous as believing “in the heart of the cards.”

The wounds in my life, they have valid claims
on my focus as the times you have stepped in to save.
When water’s eyeball deep and I’m struggling to breath,
I really don’t know what I can safely believe.

“I know how to abase and I know how to abound.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Paul had it worse. Much, much worse.

God, give me the strength to know what’s real.
Give me the faith to trust who you are. Help me find you.
You are my only rock and need to stand on you.


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